In the song “Blank Generation,” Punk legend Richard Hell famously declared that he was saying “let me out of here!” before he was even born. That was thirty-four years ago, but I can’t help but think that those words resonate with young people today more than any generation before them.

If you’re a middle-class twenty-something in 2011, you’re probably starting to not feel so middle class. You probably just pissed away four years and thousands of dollars on a college degree that means fuck all. You probably just moved back home and have nothing on the horizon. You probably have trouble finding not only the job you want, but the job you don’t want as well.

As for your parents, well, they might not be faring so well either. Some of them might be looking at an early retirement, or worse, a lay off in a job they’ve held for 15, 20, 25 years. If they work in the public sector, they could be looking at cuts to pensions and benefits they’ve been told for years were airtight. If they work in manufacturing, they probably wake up every day wondering if their career has been shipped to China for four dollars a day. Nobody’s safe, everyone’s walking on eggshells, and it seems like it’s only a matter of time before people start raiding their checking accounts to hide money under their mattress.

Not to mention that the great dream of home-ownership became a ponzi scheme that collapsed on the backs of the 99%. Not to mention that the union, the voice of the worker, is being drawn and quartered. Not to mention that wealthy in this country have done nothing to create jobs, have done nothing to improve the lot of the masses, but have only worshiped the golden calf of hedonism, narcissism, and ugly, gluttonous self interest.

And they wonder why we’re so cynical.

We were all told that when we grow up we can be whatever we want. Now, we can’t even be what we don’t want to be. We were told “Go to college, get a job, everything will be fine” Only to find nothing could be further from the truth. Because our future was gambled away by a culture of greed and selfishness. Because our government thinks that it’s more important to bail out blood-sucking sociopath bankers than it is to feed a family, bring a child out of poverty, give someone healthcare, or God fucking forbid, create the real change that we were promised in 2008.

Our nation’s credit has run out. The gravy train is over, and one way or another everyone is left holding a worthless piece of paper. And as you line up to the breadline, you can’t help but wonder how you were so stupid as to by into the American dream.

They call us Generation Y. And they should. Because every single one of us is asking Why? Why can’t I find the job I want? Why is my parents mortgage under water? Why can’t I start saving for retirement? Why is President Obama letting the country be held hostage by obstructionist whores? Why has our government, our corporations, and every institution we’re surrounded by failed us so miserably? Why won’t you tell me the social fabric isn’t unwinding?  Why is this great nation of ours, which we’ve been told our whole lives is the greatest nation on earth, which was built on the blood, sweat and tears of hard work and sacrifice descending into an oligarchy?

No ones going to answer your questions unless you make them. So mobilize. Occupy Wall Street. Occupy Boston. Occupy Philadelphia, Detroit, Los Angeles, your foreclosed house, your closed factory, your bloodsucking bank. Demand answers and occupy everywhere you can until someone says they will come to the bargaining table. We will not be held hostage by the rich. We will not be beholden by private sector fascism. We will not stand down. Because we’re not just Generation Why, We are Generation Why Not.

In the spirit of Charlie Sheen, I’m pretty hammered as I’m writing this. Also in the spirit of Charlie Sheen, I’m not kidding about any of this.

I’m not going to recap all of the shit that has made Charlie Sheen into an overnight sensation. The goddesses, the massive amounts of cocaine, the statements about warlocks from mars, or whatever. We all know. Here are the points I think that need to be made:

1) It’s Charlie Sheen. This whole charade just illustrates how stupid, vapid, and utterly worthless every single person that reports on Hollywood gossip is. Like, Charlie Sheen gets caught doing blow and hookers and that’s news? I’d be upset if he wasn’t doing that. This isn’t Michael Cain or Ben Kingsley. This is the guy that made the Hot shots movies and Two and Half Men. Until he starts murdering people, his name isn’t newsworthy.

2) People should have just left him the fuck alone in the first place. I remember reading about this on TMZ when the whole fiasco blew up and the story was something along the lines of “Charlie Sheen absconds with four porn stars in Vegas, does a bunch of coke” and, the most important line, “shows up on the set of two and half men ready for work.”

you see, why you got to blow up his spot. the man has a shitload of money. he works hard for the money, and his incredibly decadent lifestyle didnt interfere with his job performance. but then, TMZ, along with Perez Hilton, the dirty, and all the other bloodsucking leaches had to go and tattle on him like the obnoxious younger sibling that goes tells mom your smoking weed in the basement. then, the mainstream media picks up on the story, he gets pushed over the edge, all hell breaks loose. If no one bothered him in the first place, all this could have been avoided, and there would have been no interference in the two and half men shooting schedule, which, when u really think about it, is the real victim in all this (charlie sheens kids can afford therapy, boo hoo).

real talk though: let’s be honest, how many lawyers, physicians, investment bankers, wealthy American males do hard drugs and sleep with a woman they just met every weekend? how is anything charlie sheen is doing special? If you’re a heterosexual American male, you either have this lifestyle or wish you did. haters, fall back.

3) Charlie Sheen is an American hero. Okay, this point, I concede, is a bit exaggerated. Charlie Sheen is far from a real American hero. 9/11 relief workers, inner-city school teachers, non-corrupt police officers, firefighters, veterans, these are the real American heroes. But they always have been, and always will be. Charlie Sheen is an American hero in a cultural aspect that is very new and different from the American hero we are used to.

But here’s what makes Charlie Sheen a hero. Hollywood is a fantasy land, a town built on superficiality, where appearance takes precedence over reality all day and every day, 24/7. Public image is the golden calf of tinsel town, and the publicists, pr firms, plastic surgeons, paparazzi,  agents, and hollywood press (and i use the word press loosely) are all the stewards of the false religion of presenting a positive image.

And in this religion, Charlie Sheen was the ultimate blasphemer. In Hollywood, when you have a drug problem, you disappear for a bit, go to rehab, maybe do a people magazine interview about your struggle with addiction (or if you’re washed up, Dr. Drew) where you tell your bullshit formulaic story about fighting your inner demons redemption blah blah blah then your newest project comes out, all is forgiven.

Charlie Sheen did none of that. He broke every rule. He did a self-imposed rehab, was still crazy afterwards, ran his mouth, told America to go fuck itself, made some vaguely anti-Semitic remark that somehow didn’t Gibson his career, and most importantly, apologized for nothing. Some are calling this a publicity stunt, I don’t buy it. Charlie Sheen doesn’t care. He’s rich, he’s famous, and he doesn’t need to pretend to care anymore, so fuck it. Charlie Sheen just isn’t interested in winning anyone over, and in Hollywood, not caring what people think about you is as pure and beautiful as the coke Sheen snorts.

Charlie Sheen spits in the face of Hollywood convention and get’s away with it. If that isn’t winning I don’t know what is.

the only way a sane person could possibly stomach this show. Ironic, because he’s a recovering alcoholic.

(play with some or all of these rules)

Every time Glenn Beck brings up Nazis, or waves a flag with a swastika on it, take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck brings up communism, take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck says “George Soros,” take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck says “Bill Ayers” take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck flips the chalk board, take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck mentions “progressive” with an angry connotation, take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck commits a gross historical inaccuracy (use wikipedia to verify this one) take a shot.

Every time Glenn Beck attacks some blogger you’ve never heard of that calls him on his bullshit, take a shot.

Every time Glenn Beck mentions himself in the third person, take a shot.

Every time Glenn Beck brings out puppets, take a shot.

Every time Glenn Beck attacks FAIR or Media Matters for America, take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck says something bad about a current or past Democratic president take a drink.

Every time Glenn Beck cries like a little bitch finish your drink.

have any of your own rules you would like to ad? shoot me an email. mattryan617@gmail.com

Well just as I thought they would the fine people at Bukowski’s Tavern decided to give $2500 to some douchebag with a nasally voice and a gay ass haircut who wrote some story about some dumb shit, but if anyone’s interested in seeing what I wrote for the “Pen and Pint” contest here it is. Technically, this story is the property of Bukowski’s Tavern, but they didn’t give me any money for it so fuck them.

East Third and Pen Street

A One Act Play by Matt Ryan

In a crowded dingy bar, two small time crooks sit at a table, each sipping a pint, reminiscing upon acquaintances from their past that seemed all but forgotten.

Richie: That Bukowski kid, and his brother, they did their thing for awhile.

Mark: Larry? That kid? He’s a fuckin’ retard. Besides, I never knew him to do anything other than work the door at the Harpoon Pub downtown.

Richie: I mean, he does now, but he pulled some hold-ups back in the day.

Mark: Oh yeah, how come it didn’t work out? What’d he go up to the teller with a bag of money and say “give me all your guns?”

Richie: No smartass, he was the driver. Steve Bukowski and Tommy Joyce were the ones that pulled the jobs.

Mark: Oh, well my mistake. So why’d he quit anyways? Suspended licence?

Richie: Nah, I guess one day shit just got way too real for him and he bailed.

Mark: Really. That’s what happened. Guy pulls all these stunts then one day just decides to hang up the gloves? Just like that?

Richie: Just like that.

Mark leans in, staring down Richie, fixated on his friend across the table. Richie lights a cigarette, trying to ignore Mark at first, but then breaks down after an uncomfortable silence.

Richie: Alright, don’t go telling people this, but you know how Steve and Tommy went away for a bit?

Mark: Yeah, they were down in Bridgewater for a minute. Heard Tommy was so shook he nearly converted to Islam.

Richie: uh huh. Somehow I doubt that. Well, Larry should have gone away with them too, but he got lucky and they didn’t. See, one time the three of them hit this spot in Quincy. So the plan was after they do the job Larry was gonna drop them off at Tommy Joyce’s place in Ashmont, then he would take the car to the chop shop to get it stripped and meet up with them after.

So he drops them off and he brings the whip to the garage on East Third and Pen Street, I guess they had used that one before. Thing was though, Tommy set it up so Larry would bring the car to another garage down the street from the apartment, that way he could save time. But Steve, being about as smart as his brother, he forgets to tell him this little detail and Larry brings the car to the wrong shop.

So Larry’s at the shop on East Third, the guys at the garage are losing their shit cuz he’s rollin’ up there with a hot car unannounced, Larry’s pissed cuz he didn’t know about the change in venue, the people at the other garage think Larry got bagged cuz they don’t know where the fuck he is, and the whole thing was just a huge mess.

Mark: So he brought the car to the wrong garage, how is that luck?

Richie: Let me finish the story. So while this is going on, Steve and Tommy are back at the apartment dividing up the score. And it must have been a good one, because they start arguing about who gets what, and eventually they’re just screaming at each other. These two idiots scream so loud that the yuppie couple that just in moved downstairs decides to call the cops and complain about the noise.

Mark: Fuckin’ yuppies.

Richie: I know, right. So the cops show up before Larry even has the chance to get there, they see the guns and the cash on the table and the rest is history. I guess Larry thought it was a sign from God that he didn’t get pinched or some bullshit like that, so he went straight and got the job at the Harpoon, where he’s worked ever since.

Mark: Wow. That’s ridiculous; I can’t believe you never told me that.

Richie: Yeah, Tommy told me after he got out. Crazy.

Richie sips his pint, but then spits it out as he starts to laugh hysterically.

Mark: what?

Richie: Nah, I just remembered. The worst part of the story is that while Steve went away the family told his two-year old kid that he wasn’t around because he went off to college!

Mark and Richie both laugh uncontrollably.

Mark: Imagine! One of the Bukowski brothers going to college!

If you didn’t know what “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” was before you watched this video, but now think it’s important because Lady Gaga told you it was, throw yourself off a bridge.

At first, I was going to say this video is all bullshit, but I will say it has some strong points. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is an outrageous bullshit policy that makes no sense and Lady Gaga’s heart is in the right place. Those people she mentions by name whose lives have been severely damaged, if not ruined, by DADT might not have had their stories told to a mass audience if she hadn’t made this video, and kudos to her for letting those people have their stories told.

But here’s where I take issue: First of all, who the fuck does Lady Gaga think she is saying “I’m a voice of a generation?” I’m not even talking about her music, “bad romance” is an alright song and she’s got some other good ones (no homo), but if some girl I’ve never met before with a big nose that wears dresses made out of meat and lightbulbs thinks for a hot second that her voice represents me she’s got another thing coming, I don’t give a shit how many records she’s sold or how much money she’s made. If Lady Gaga is the voice of our generation we might as well all throw ourselves into the ocean because unless the next generation elects John Wayne Gacy to be their voice it couldn’t possibly get worse than this.

And here’s the other thing: I only heard about this video because mad people posted it on facebook like it’s the latest superimportant-but-actually-not-the-least-bit-important-news-story. Like, last week it was the redneck preacher who was going to burn the Qu’ran, then the ground zero mosque that wasn’t actually a mosque or at ground zero, then wherever lebron james got traded to, and then some other shit that didn’t matter. 

But I digress. What’s really ridiculous is that I’ve heard more people talking about Congress repealing DADT now that Lady Gaga spoke out on it than I did back in February when Obama, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and the mothafuckin’ Joint Chiefs of Staff all called on Congress to repeal the policy. 

A lot of celebrities may have their heart in the right place and think they’re helping people when they decide to become activists, and sometimes they are actually helping people, like Brad Pitt building houses in post-Katrina New Orleans, but why do so many people take their political cues from celebrities? Doesn’t everyone see that as being highly problematic? First of all, all of these celebrities are totally full of shit. How many celebrities claim to be championing environmental causes but fly in private jets? Plus, they get inflated egos when people give them credit and they start saying bullshit like “I’m the voice of a generation.”

And these celebrities really when it comes down to it have no business talking like their political experts because they’re entertainers. They are famous because they entertain. If I want to play a convincing part in a movie I’d consult Alec Baldwin, but I don’t give a shit about what he thinks on economic policy because at the end of the day he really doesn’t know more than the average person. Let’s listen to people in politics about politics before we listen to celebrities about politics, because if Miss California has taught us anything, a lot of these people are fuckin idiots.

Posted 9/20/10.