October 2011
1 post
Thoughts on our 'Lost Generation' and the Recent...
In the song “Blank Generation,” Punk legend Richard Hell famously declared that he was saying “let me out of here!” before he was even born. That was thirty-four years ago, but I can’t help but think that those words resonate with young people today more than any generation before them.
If you’re a middle-class twenty-something in 2011, you’re probably...
March 2011
1 post
Charlie Sheen: Where to even begin...
In the spirit of Charlie Sheen, I’m pretty hammered as I’m writing this. Also in the spirit of Charlie Sheen, I’m not kidding about any of this.
I’m not going to recap all of the shit that has made Charlie Sheen into an overnight sensation. The goddesses, the massive amounts of cocaine, the statements about warlocks from mars, or whatever. We all know. Here are the points...
December 2010
2 posts
The Glenn Beck Drinking Game
the only way a sane person could possibly stomach this show. Ironic, because he’s a recovering alcoholic.
(play with some or all of these rules)
Every time Glenn Beck brings up Nazis, or waves a flag with a swastika on it, take a drink.
Every time Glenn Beck brings up communism, take a drink.
Every time Glenn Beck says “George Soros,” take a drink.
Every time Glenn Beck says...
Bukowski's Tavern Pen and Pint Contest Entry (that...
Well just as I thought they would the fine people at Bukowski’s Tavern decided to give $2500 to some douchebag with a nasally voice and a gay ass haircut who wrote some story about some dumb shit, but if anyone’s interested in seeing what I wrote for the “Pen and Pint” contest here it is. Technically, this story is the property of Bukowski’s Tavern, but they...
September 2010
4 posts
Machete: a Modern Day "Birth of a Nation"
This post has spoilers, so if you haven’t seen Machete and you want to, don’t read this yet.
So yesterday I went to the Dedham movie theatre. I guess now it’s called “Legacy Place” because they cleaned it up and put some nice stores near it like Crate and Barrel and Anthropology and shit but if you ask me Dedham will always be a dump and you can’t really polish a turd, but yeah I went to the...
Poor Barack, and our media is stupid
There are a lot of jobs out there that seem cool but aren’t really all they’re cracked up to be, but being President of the United States has got to be the worst job in the world. Sure, you get perks, like banging Marilyn Monroe or the power to eradicate an entire city with the push of a button, but everyone’s always up in your shit. Look at this for example:
Boston Phoenix- The...
August 2010
1 post
Hollywood Continues to Fuck Itself.
I’m a pretty big TV watcher, and by far my favorite channel is HBO. My On Demand tells me that HBO is a “premium channel,” which I take to mean smart enough not to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians but not smart enough to just watch C-SPAN and PBS. I think HBO shows are basically intended to be more respectable than reality TV drivel or run-of-the-mill CBS sitcoms, which is...
July 2010
2 posts
RRRRRRR
i want to start a hardcore band. our crew would be a bunch of dudes in black hoodies that are 5’2” but like 220 lbs and jacked. all our songs would be about getting wasted and throwing cinderblocks at kids with long hair. every show we play would be so intense that they would have to open up a new hospital. there would be mad chugging, mad breakdowns, and mad double-bass pedal. our...
July 4th Special Edition: Why the Terrorists Hate...
Ahh, 4th of July. Cookouts. Beahs. Fireworks. Probably my favorite holiday. Christmas gets too political, Valentine’s Day is for pussies, and I can never think of a good costume for Halloween. But the 4th of July is the one time of year when we can all get together and revel in the fact that we live in the best country in the world. Alot of people in other countries (loser ones) take...
June 2010
2 posts
Yeah, well, I didn’t care a year ago either.
6/25/10.
GET THE ACLU ON THE HORN RIGHT AWAY
So I haven’t been writing lately because, well, I’ve been busy. If you consider drinking Colt .45, scratching my ass, and watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Danielle is such a cunt) busy, which I do, then yes, I’ve been busy. I mean, I wasn’t “at work” or “cleaning shit off of Pelicans” or “buying patio furniture” or...
April 2010
2 posts
JB is Pretty Much the Coolest Guy Ever, and a Few...
Those of you who read this and don’t know me personally (which is, by my count, between 4-6 people) must think I’m a pretty terrible person. You probably say to yourself as you read these nonsensical, rabid rants, “Wow, what a terrible person. If he’s not going on some borderline racist tangent, he’s making fun of rape and people in comas. Whoever writes this must be...
March 2010
1 post
Terry Schiavo: Still Funny 5 Years Later
This is a story i wrote for the April Fools edition of my school newspaper. My editor and adviser unanimously agreed we couldn’t run it because a) it’s tasteless and b) it’s incredibly tasteless. Fortunately, nothing is too tasteless for this blog.
Now, I have since been informed that Family Guy did a similar rendition a couple of weeks ago. Well, I didn’t know that at the...
February 2010
4 posts
The Good Old Days: Rehashing Old News
This is an op-ed piece I wrote all the way back in October of 2009, when the Democrats were still high off Obama’s win a year back and thought nothing could go wrong. Funny how things change, huh?
REPUBLICANS GO AGAINST ANTI-RAPE LEGISLATION; SENATE GOP DIVIDE GROWS WIDER
For those of you who don’t watch The Daily Show, 30 Republican senators recently came under fire for voting against the...
Do Your Children a Service: Move to Gaza.
I’m not going to say that I’ll never have kids. (for those of you sighing with dissapointment, fuck you). I mean, at this point in my life a rugrat is the last thing I need, but people’s attitudes change, contraception isn’t full proof, and I’ll probably need someone around to take care of me when alcohol-induced dementia inevitably sets in. That being said, if I do...
An Episode of Maury We'd like to See
Maury: Welcome back to Maury, we’re sitting here with Rielle. Rielle is desperately trying to find out who the father of who her baby is. Isn’t that right Rielle?
Rielle: That’s right Maury. You see, I was drunk one night, and I was really excited, I had just heard that new song by the Dave Matthews Band.
Maury: Steady As We Go?
Rielle: That’s right.
Maury: That’s...
January 2010
2 posts
If you Can't Beat 'em, Don't Join 'em: Segregation...
WHITES ONLY BASKETBALL LEAGUE TARGETS AUGUSTA, GEORGIA
Boston Herald- A new professional basketball league boasting rosters made up exclusively of white Americans has its eyes set on Augusta, but the team isn’t receiving a warm welcome.
The All-American Basketball Alliance announced in a news release Sunday evening that it intends to start its inaugural season in June and hopes Augusta will be...
The First Celebrity Death of 2010
THE TONIGHT SHOW PASSES AWAY AT FIFTY-FIVE
b. September 27th, 1954 New York, NY d. January 22nd 2010 Burbank, CA
“The Tonight Show” was found dead at it’s home at Universal Studios this past friday at 11:35pm/ 10:35 Pacific Central Time. Investigators are at this point in time ruling the death as a homicide.
The Tonight Show was a loving, compassionate creature that...
December 2009
3 posts
Something Bad has to Happen to P-Diddle.
So I woke up Saturday morning, mad hungover, the memories of last night’s festivities of beating up nerds and making out with ridiculously attractive women still fresh in my mind. The first thing I thought to myself was “Gee, I’m in the mood for something intellectually stimulating, I wonder what’s on MTV.” Upon turning on the TV, I was greeted with the greatest...
Disney makes up for years of racism with a single... →
(CNN) — For the generations who waited years to see an African-American princess enter Disney’s line of royals, the movie “Princess and the Frog” has been like love at first sight.
The film, featuring Princess Tiana as a determined waitress and chef who gets sidetracked from her entrepreneurial dreams by a smooth-talking frog prince, has been mired in controversy for...
"The Situation" is out of Control at "The Shore" →
Nothing defines American decline more than the rise of the “guido.” I can’t think of any other group that has embraced a pejorative stereotype more than these people. No wonder the terrorists hate us.