Well just as I thought they would the fine people at Bukowski’s Tavern decided to give $2500 to some douchebag with a nasally voice and a gay ass haircut who wrote some story about some dumb shit, but if anyone’s interested in seeing what I wrote for the “Pen and Pint” contest here it is. Technically, this story is the property of Bukowski’s Tavern, but they didn’t give me any money for it so fuck them.

East Third and Pen Street

A One Act Play by Matt Ryan

In a crowded dingy bar, two small time crooks sit at a table, each sipping a pint, reminiscing upon acquaintances from their past that seemed all but forgotten.

Richie: That Bukowski kid, and his brother, they did their thing for awhile.

Mark: Larry? That kid? He’s a fuckin’ retard. Besides, I never knew him to do anything other than work the door at the Harpoon Pub downtown.

Richie: I mean, he does now, but he pulled some hold-ups back in the day.

Mark: Oh yeah, how come it didn’t work out? What’d he go up to the teller with a bag of money and say “give me all your guns?”

Richie: No smartass, he was the driver. Steve Bukowski and Tommy Joyce were the ones that pulled the jobs.

Mark: Oh, well my mistake. So why’d he quit anyways? Suspended licence?

Richie: Nah, I guess one day shit just got way too real for him and he bailed.

Mark: Really. That’s what happened. Guy pulls all these stunts then one day just decides to hang up the gloves? Just like that?

Richie: Just like that.

Mark leans in, staring down Richie, fixated on his friend across the table. Richie lights a cigarette, trying to ignore Mark at first, but then breaks down after an uncomfortable silence.

Richie: Alright, don’t go telling people this, but you know how Steve and Tommy went away for a bit?

Mark: Yeah, they were down in Bridgewater for a minute. Heard Tommy was so shook he nearly converted to Islam.

Richie: uh huh. Somehow I doubt that. Well, Larry should have gone away with them too, but he got lucky and they didn’t. See, one time the three of them hit this spot in Quincy. So the plan was after they do the job Larry was gonna drop them off at Tommy Joyce’s place in Ashmont, then he would take the car to the chop shop to get it stripped and meet up with them after.

So he drops them off and he brings the whip to the garage on East Third and Pen Street, I guess they had used that one before. Thing was though, Tommy set it up so Larry would bring the car to another garage down the street from the apartment, that way he could save time. But Steve, being about as smart as his brother, he forgets to tell him this little detail and Larry brings the car to the wrong shop.

So Larry’s at the shop on East Third, the guys at the garage are losing their shit cuz he’s rollin’ up there with a hot car unannounced, Larry’s pissed cuz he didn’t know about the change in venue, the people at the other garage think Larry got bagged cuz they don’t know where the fuck he is, and the whole thing was just a huge mess.

Mark: So he brought the car to the wrong garage, how is that luck?

Richie: Let me finish the story. So while this is going on, Steve and Tommy are back at the apartment dividing up the score. And it must have been a good one, because they start arguing about who gets what, and eventually they’re just screaming at each other. These two idiots scream so loud that the yuppie couple that just in moved downstairs decides to call the cops and complain about the noise.

Mark: Fuckin’ yuppies.

Richie: I know, right. So the cops show up before Larry even has the chance to get there, they see the guns and the cash on the table and the rest is history. I guess Larry thought it was a sign from God that he didn’t get pinched or some bullshit like that, so he went straight and got the job at the Harpoon, where he’s worked ever since.

Mark: Wow. That’s ridiculous; I can’t believe you never told me that.

Richie: Yeah, Tommy told me after he got out. Crazy.

Richie sips his pint, but then spits it out as he starts to laugh hysterically.

Mark: what?

Richie: Nah, I just remembered. The worst part of the story is that while Steve went away the family told his two-year old kid that he wasn’t around because he went off to college!

Mark and Richie both laugh uncontrollably.

Mark: Imagine! One of the Bukowski brothers going to college!