In the spirit of Charlie Sheen, I’m pretty hammered as I’m writing this. Also in the spirit of Charlie Sheen, I’m not kidding about any of this.

I’m not going to recap all of the shit that has made Charlie Sheen into an overnight sensation. The goddesses, the massive amounts of cocaine, the statements about warlocks from mars, or whatever. We all know. Here are the points I think that need to be made:

1) It’s Charlie Sheen. This whole charade just illustrates how stupid, vapid, and utterly worthless every single person that reports on Hollywood gossip is. Like, Charlie Sheen gets caught doing blow and hookers and that’s news? I’d be upset if he wasn’t doing that. This isn’t Michael Cain or Ben Kingsley. This is the guy that made the Hot shots movies and Two and Half Men. Until he starts murdering people, his name isn’t newsworthy.

2) People should have just left him the fuck alone in the first place. I remember reading about this on TMZ when the whole fiasco blew up and the story was something along the lines of “Charlie Sheen absconds with four porn stars in Vegas, does a bunch of coke” and, the most important line, “shows up on the set of two and half men ready for work.”

you see, why you got to blow up his spot. the man has a shitload of money. he works hard for the money, and his incredibly decadent lifestyle didnt interfere with his job performance. but then, TMZ, along with Perez Hilton, the dirty, and all the other bloodsucking leaches had to go and tattle on him like the obnoxious younger sibling that goes tells mom your smoking weed in the basement. then, the mainstream media picks up on the story, he gets pushed over the edge, all hell breaks loose. If no one bothered him in the first place, all this could have been avoided, and there would have been no interference in the two and half men shooting schedule, which, when u really think about it, is the real victim in all this (charlie sheens kids can afford therapy, boo hoo).

real talk though: let’s be honest, how many lawyers, physicians, investment bankers, wealthy American males do hard drugs and sleep with a woman they just met every weekend? how is anything charlie sheen is doing special? If you’re a heterosexual American male, you either have this lifestyle or wish you did. haters, fall back.

3) Charlie Sheen is an American hero. Okay, this point, I concede, is a bit exaggerated. Charlie Sheen is far from a real American hero. 9/11 relief workers, inner-city school teachers, non-corrupt police officers, firefighters, veterans, these are the real American heroes. But they always have been, and always will be. Charlie Sheen is an American hero in a cultural aspect that is very new and different from the American hero we are used to.

But here’s what makes Charlie Sheen a hero. Hollywood is a fantasy land, a town built on superficiality, where appearance takes precedence over reality all day and every day, 24/7. Public image is the golden calf of tinsel town, and the publicists, pr firms, plastic surgeons, paparazzi,  agents, and hollywood press (and i use the word press loosely) are all the stewards of the false religion of presenting a positive image.

And in this religion, Charlie Sheen was the ultimate blasphemer. In Hollywood, when you have a drug problem, you disappear for a bit, go to rehab, maybe do a people magazine interview about your struggle with addiction (or if you’re washed up, Dr. Drew) where you tell your bullshit formulaic story about fighting your inner demons redemption blah blah blah then your newest project comes out, all is forgiven.

Charlie Sheen did none of that. He broke every rule. He did a self-imposed rehab, was still crazy afterwards, ran his mouth, told America to go fuck itself, made some vaguely anti-Semitic remark that somehow didn’t Gibson his career, and most importantly, apologized for nothing. Some are calling this a publicity stunt, I don’t buy it. Charlie Sheen doesn’t care. He’s rich, he’s famous, and he doesn’t need to pretend to care anymore, so fuck it. Charlie Sheen just isn’t interested in winning anyone over, and in Hollywood, not caring what people think about you is as pure and beautiful as the coke Sheen snorts.

Charlie Sheen spits in the face of Hollywood convention and get’s away with it. If that isn’t winning I don’t know what is.